Subconscious Foreplay and Subtle Apprehension

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“My subconscious drowns my mind in inevitable apprehension.” 

For the past few days, I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety. This could be because of a lot of different upcoming events. In ten days, I will be graduating high school. I feel as though part of me is ready to begin again, but the other part is chained down, unable to part with the place. Change is the kind of thing that we fear because we’re unable to see how it will impact our lives. Even though, at this moment I feel as though there is nothing keeping me here. I deserve to set out and begin the rest of my life. However, I am not sure my subconscious is keeping up. The number that these dreams are doing on me over the past couple of weeks have been frustrating. It unnerves every ounce of rest I am supposed to be getting.

I know that I have no unfinished business, that I am ready to live the life I have been dreaming about since I was twelve years old. I can’t help but feel like there would’ve been a different outcome if I had done things differently. It is safe to say that I no longer hold on to my regrets. What has happened, happened for a reason. Whether to give me the quiet understanding of various choices I could’ve made differently, or to remind me that I may have been focusing on the wrong things.

It has been a very long time since I have been that riled with anxiety that I found myself having to evacuate the premises. The worst part is I couldn’t quite understand why it was happening. That’s the beauty of anxiety, most of the time there is no real explanation for the way it makes you feel. It is as though I have to go through these recovery periods before I can wholeheartedly deal with the day-to-day life that everyone else seems to be living with just fine. It isn’t easy, but it is the way things are. Apart from all of that, I have been struggling to find inspiration lately. I never held my muse to a person, but the muses I had once found pleasure in writing about no longer exist. My theoretical muses seem to have failed me altogether. I can only hope that once these ten days are over, I’ll have the answers I am looking for. Only then will I really be able to deal with the magnitude of the situation.

Love, Anisa Nasir (3)

 

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