I’ve never before felt such pain.
The extremity of the situation was one I have never experienced before. I was lost within my own skin, humbled by the thought that maybe I could recover. However, as I was sitting in my Uncle’s car on the way to the Emergency Room, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it this time. I was afraid of dying, like any panic attack. I do not know what felt worse, the pins and needles in my skin, readying me to collapse, or the idea that I was going to die. Even waking up today, there was that voice in the back of my head saying, “It’s still here. Your skin is still on fire.” I had to shake it. I needed to shake it. I was losing myself with every ounce of worry I was feeling. The doctors repeatedly told me how healthy my vitals are. That I have nothing to worry about. What they ceased to mention was that my anxiety is still an illness. I still have to try to cope with it accordingly and believe in myself again. I know that I can beat this if I try hard enough. I know that I have to deal with the issues in my life accordingly in order to move forward with the way I want to live. I do not want to wake up with pins and needles anymore, I do not want my heart rate to double as I hyperventilate. Anxiety is an illness, and it can be severe. The only way to rid myself of it is to try my best to overcome it. That is why I decided to write this, as the beginning of my journey to combatting my illness in such a way that allows me to enjoy my life again. I want to enjoy my life again and I intend to.
It has been three years since my father passed away. I have dealt with every kind of anxiety attack post his burial. I always believed that that was the only source of my anxiety, but I’ve come to the realization that isn’t true. I am anxious about a lot of things, about starting University, about leaving home, about dying. I’ve always been afraid to address those issues. Sitting in the ER last night made me realize that there are people who have it much worse than I do. At least I have a full functioning body, at least I’ve been blessed with a wonderful family that cares about me so much so that they can’t bear to see me in that condition. It is no easy task trying to overcome this, but it is one that I have to take head on and deal with. I cannot live my life in fear anymore, I have to just live.