October 9th, 2015: This Year is Different
“My father once told me that in life, nothing ever comes easy and that love is not something one can rid himself of. Today marks yet another year that he is not here with us. There was a time where I was unable to write about this day in passing, but as I’ve learned, time heals. Time heals in ways we cannot comprehend, but once we’re standing on the other side of things, everything will inevitably become clear.”
When this day would come around, I would find myself trying to do anything to keep me from feeling the way I needed to feel. I would throw myself into work, I would try to distract myself. All of which, never made a dent in my recovery. Today, I can sit here and safely say that yes I am going to leave the house today, yes I am going to go out and enjoy myself, without feeling as though I am making a grave mistake. We are allowed to grieve in our own ways, and seeing someone with lifted spirits does not necessarily mean that they are doing well. For all you know, they could be crumbling inside.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been told I was being inconsiderate because I wasn’t crying, because I looked as though I did not care at all. This I couldn’t understand. For I knew that I had spent so much time trying to pick myself back up after what had happened, I could not conceptualize how someone could think of me that way.
Moving to Canada brought forth a lot of struggles, ones I thought I would not be able to deal with. Today, I sit here and I am enjoying my life again. Today, I pride myself on the memory of my father, realizing how much he’s influenced the person I’ve become. I can only hope that I can continue to grow into the woman he wanted me to be: the strong, independent woman that needed nothing but her words and her faith to flourish.
I hope you’re doing well, Daddy. I’ll stop at nothing to make both you, and Mom proud.
I love you.