“It’s been a rough past week, there were one too many impending factors that have undoubtedly clouded my judgment. I felt unable to do as much as I would’ve liked on account of how I may be feeling. There are times when I have a hard time coming to terms with reality, regardless of how much I need to. There are also times when I have a hard time remembering what it felt like to have a plan. Not a plan that would dictate the way in which I explore my craft, but a plan that would make way for doing something with what I’ve worked on.”
I have too many expectations. I’ve been trying to convince myself that what I’ve been doing is enough, but the truth is, I am dreading this month. This month I will have so much free time, I’m afraid that I won’t use it to the best of my ability. I know what I’m capable of, I know that I could accomplish so much if I could only rid myself of this pit in my stomach. Sometimes, it’s good to have the balls to make a decision that seems more like a risk than anything else, and sometimes it’s good to let things go. I don’t know how to begin letting go. I do know, that in the long run, I will learn. I always learn something.
“I want to be able to think rationally with my heart, but I’d be half the writer I could be if I even began to entertain that thought.”
When I feel like this, I’m either entirely too productive, or I’m not productive enough. I’m choosing to keep myself busy, even though I put myself in a position that seems to be a little too difficult to handle. I have a lot to say, and I doubt that anything I ever write would do it justice. Consistency is key, and I know that is something I am still working on. Though, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’ve found a newfound longing to make something of myself. I’m tired of dreaming, I’m tired of wanting any and everything I cannot have. It’s come to my attention that I need to start being a little more realistic, I need to start cutting myself some slack. There is time, and that time will either be everything I need to get things done, or it will be a waste of time.
How that plays out, is entirely up to me. I have always wanted to be the kind of person that kept her personal life and professional life entirely separate. I want to write. There’s no way in hell I could ever do that. It’s time that I accept that fact. Push yourself, get it done. If it doesn’t feel like it’s working out, try something different. Writing is subjective, there is no right or wrong. Do it because it makes you happy, not because you feel forced. I never did quite like anything written that was forced. I like genuine, I thrive on genuine.